The Fountain

Rating:
Rated PG-13 for some intense sequences of violent action, some sensuality and language. (edited for re-rating; originally R)

Who's in it:
Hugh Jackman (The Prestige, X-Men: The Last Stand, Kate & Leopold),
Rachel Weisz (Constantine, About a Boy, The Mummy Returns , Enemy at the Gates)

Who Directed it:
(and wrote:) Darren Aronofsky (Requiem for a Dream, Pi, Below)

Plot:
Fountain takes place between three different times and settings, the past in Spain, the present in some American city (not important) and the future? in some kind of star/nebula/snow globe. The movie tries to tie the Genesis story of the tree of life and reincarnation, and argues that when we die, we go to a dieing star wrapped with a nebula and are born again once the star dies. Hugh Jackman's character plays three different characters (or the same?). He spends most of his screen time, however, playing an ingenious brain sergieon trying to cure cancer because his wife, played by Rachel Weisz, has it.


Moral teaching:
It's okay to die, its what happens, don't worry about it. Because when you die, you'll be reincarnated first into a tree, and then, once the star dies, you'll be born again...somewhere. Also, Hugh Jackman's character spends a lot of his time trying to cure cancer for his dieing wife instead of spending, time with her. This, I think, is the real moral of this story. That we can get so wrapped up in something and ignore those we deeply care about. Because, in a sense, we are all dieing, we will all die someday, so, when we ignore those we love, we are ignoring the dieing. (kind of morbid huh?)

Content:
There is some blood, daggers, torture, etc... but none if too bad. Also, a bit of sensuality, they are married after all. But no nudity (though one scene comes quite close), but the one scene of sensuality is drawn out.

Rollerskates:
Uh, man, seriously, I didn't like it. It was too weird to enjoy, though the visuals were amazing. 2 Rollerskates out of 5, and 1 out of 5 for content.

El Laberinto del fauno (Pan's Labyrinth)

Rating:
Rated R for graphic violence and some language.

Who's in it:
Lot's of Spanish or otherwise foreign people us ignorant Americans don't know. If you'd like to find out, check out Pan's Labyrinth at IMDb.com

Who Directed it:
Guillermo del Toro (Hellboy, Blade II, Mimic)

Plot:
Um, okay. So, this movie was not at all what I was expecting. It was very much about the Spanish civil war, and not as much about the fantasy, Ofelia crawling into not so proverbial rabbit hole. There are basically two plots going on in this movie. The first one we are introduced to is our main character, Ofelia, made to move with her mother who has just married an evil war general who has orders to put down the resistance in the area. Ofelia's mother is also pregnant with his son, which causes her much pain and problems. Along with this plot, a woman named Mercedes helps Ofelia and her mother, and also helps the rebels; this also causes many problems. So, then, on to what I thought the movie was going to be mainly about, the fantasy stuff. Ofelia discovers a labyrinth (hence the name) and a hole in the center of it with a really cool yet creepy stair case leading down to the bottom. In this pit, she meets some kind of faun thing, who is a bit creepy looking himself. He tells her that she is a princess who's real father is the king of the underworld and to return to her father's kingdom, she needs to complete three tasks. The first two she gets to fairly early on in the movie, and the second one was rather scary and creepy beyond all belief, reminding me of a movie no one should see because it is so demonic: Silent Hill.

Moral teaching:
Um...don't...torture people? Uh, don't, be evil? Uh...m...don't get pregnant? No, no, none of those. I'm thinking more along the lines of, when the real world gets really awful, and people that you care about start dying, dream up some creepy imaginary world to escape to! No, just kidding. It's about how kids can be courageous and over come impossible odds and the power of women and their usefulness during times of war and necessity. This movie is NOT about forgiveness.

Content:
It's really violent with several scenes involving torture and its aftereffects, lots of blood and swearing (in Spanish) and a many uses of guns in the killing of people. There is no sex or nudity in this movie what so ever.

Rollerskates:
I gotta give this movie a 5 out of 5 Rollerskates for quality of movie, but a solid 4 out of 5 for questionable content.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters

Rating: Rated R for crude and sexual humor, violent images and language.

Who's in it: Um, no know one you'd know, but if you're interested, check out the IMDb.com page: Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters

Who Directed it: The guys who directed the series.

Plot: Um, there isn't one. Really. This the best movie I've ever seen that doesn't have a plot. There's kind of a convoluted plot involving the origin of the main characters (Fry, Shake and Meatwad...yes those are their names, yes that is what they are), but, it is SO completely convoluted, confusing, and, honestly, meant to confuse the crap out of you and not make any sense what so ever, it's just easier to say that it doesn't have a plot...'cus it really doesn't.

Moral teaching: Um...uh..., don't, ... don't drink a white substance which your "friend" hands you and tells you it's milk........when it's really mayonnaise? Or, uh, don't... don't let that guy who is a robot chicken (no, not like the series) and claims he's the ghost of Christmas past (no, this movie has nothing to do with Christmas) start telling a story because he won't ever stop. Or, uh, um,... don't ever, ever, under any circumstances, listen to a talking shake. But, honestly, probably, but best moral teaching this movie has to offer, it "Don't watch this movie." 'Cus this movie is about as a-moral as they come.

Content: Well, it is animated, so, it's not as bad as other live action movies where they feature full frontal tooth brushing (ex: Stranger than Fiction). But, it IS offensive. "Crude sexual humor": check, offensive language including F-words: check. Violent images including but not limited to a persons entire muscle structure being ripped out: check. (Don't see this movie).

Rollerskates: I can't, in good conscience, give this movie above a 3 out of 5 Rollerskates. I really want to, since I'm a big fan of the serious. This movie held true to the series plot devices and ridiculous, random and funny duologue, etc. It gets a good solid 4.5 out of 5 Skates for content.

(ps: the best part of this movie isn't even in the movie, but the very odd, weird, awesome opening explaining what not to do. Which is interesting because one of the things it says not to do is record the movie from the movie theater,...which is what this video is)

Spider Man III

Rating: Rated PG-13 for sequences of intense action violence.

Who's in it: Tobey Maguire (The Cider House Rules, Pleasantville, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, The Ice Storm, S.F.W....oh yeah, and the other spider movies)

Kirsten Dunst (The Virgin Suicides, Small Soldiers, Jumanji, Little Women, Interview with the Vampire...oh yeah, and the other spider movies)

James Franco (Flyboys, Annapolis, City by the Sea, Never Been Kissed, oh yeah, and the other spider movies), Thomas Haden Church
(Spanglish, Sideways, George of the Jungle 2 , 3000 Miles to Graceland, Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight, remember him from wings?)

Chris...Topher Grace (In Good Company, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!, Traffic, "That '70s Show" )

Bryce Dallas Howard (Lady in the Water, The Village, How the Grinch Stole Christmas)

J.K. Simmons (Thank You for Smoking, The Ladykillers, The Mexican, "The Closer", "The West Wing", "Law & Order")

Bruce Campbell (Bubba Ho-tep, McHale's Navy, Escape from L.A., The Hudsucker Proxy, Army of Darknes, Evil Dead II)

Stan Lee (X-Men: The Last Stand, Fantastic Four, Spider-Man 2 ... oh yeah, and the writer of the original comic book)

Who Directed it: Sam Raimi (A Simple Plan, The Quick and the Dead, Army of Darkness, Darkman, Evil Dead II, The Evil Dea, ...oh yeah, and the other spider movies)

Plot: Can't tell ya much about the plot without giving it away. However, I will tell you this: this third movie wraps up all the plot elements from the first two. So, if you've been watching them you know what I'm talking about.

Moral teaching: You can chose who you want to be, good or bad, either way, it's your choice. The black oil goop, crawly thing is very much an allegory to sin, and the characters in the movie who get attacked by it and made to feel good by doing bad, have a choice weather or not to continue.

Content: Eh, a smooch or two, some vicious spidey dancing, a bit of cleavage (sure to set off your spidey senses,... ahem). Also, lots of comic book style fighting and action, some blood, I wouldn't say it has gore at all, but some good punches and guys heads hitting brick walls, etc... fun stuff.

Rollerskates: I'm gonna say that this movie is....good. Better than the second, I don't think it's better than the first, but it IS good. Some quite cheesy parts in it, I thought they could have not have made Parker so nerdy at the beginning. The visual effects were AMAZING. When The Sandman was becoming...the Sandman, I was like "holy freekin' cow! This is like, beautiful, it's like a piece of art!" 4 Rollerskates out of 5, and 2 out of 5 for content.

Hot Fuzz

Rating: Rated R for violent content including some graphic images, and language.


Who's in it: Simon Pegg (Mission: Impossible III, Land of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead), Martin Freeman (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Shaun of the Dead) Bill Nighy (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, Underworld: Evolution, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Shaun of the Dead, Underworl, Love Actually) and, of course, Nick Frost (Shaun of the Dead).
Okay, so, as you may have noticed, many of these people were all in Shaun of the Dead. Well, that is because most of these people are friends how have worked on things before, namely a show called "Spaced", which was a hit, 14 episode comedy. What you might not have noticed if you clicked on any of the links above, was that Simon Pegg (who plays the main character) also co-wrote Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead along with Edgar Wright, who also wrote episodes (perhaps all) for "Spaced."

Plot: Sergeant Nicholas Angel (Played by Simon Pegg) is the best police officer in London, but makes the whole force look bad since is he so good. So, they make him leave. They transfer him out to a little town in the country, Sandford, where nothing ever happens. However, of course, something does happen. People starrt dieing, but everyone assumes they are accidents, but not Angel, he thinks there is something sinister behind the deaths. However, he's not the detective, he's just a good cop, and so, his hands are tied. But the deaths don't stop, and he is convinced there is something going on int he little village of Sandford, but can't convince anyone of it.

Moral teaching: Stand up for what you know is right, even if everyone else doesn't agree with you. The main character doesn't believe in God, though he is open to it, but he still knows what's right. Even family can be wrong, and you have to stand up to them if they are.

Content: This movie is violent, plain and simple. Lots of gun fights (towards the end), and blood and gore through out. If you're at all squeemish, don't see it. But I will say this, although it is bloody, it is still a comedy, so the blood and gore, in my opinion, has less of a negative effect on one's mood compared to a horror flick with tons of blood, gore, and torture (whic this film has none). Also, there is a scene in which a woman wears novilty breasts over her police uniform.

Rollerskates: I give this good action flick a 5 out o 5 rollerskates. And a good solid 4 out of 5 for offensive content.

300

Rating:
Rated R for graphic battle sequences throughout,
some sexuality and nudity.

Who's in it:
Nobody. Honestly, no big names here. But, lets cover the main leads. Gerard Butler plays King Leonidas, the main male lead who kills everybody (The Phantom of the Opera, Timeline, Reign of Fire, Tomorrow Never Dies). Lena Headey plays his wife, Queen Gorgo (The Cave, The Jungle Book, The Remains of the Day). Dominic West plays a guy no woman should ever trust, Theron (Hannibal Rising, The Forgotten, Mona Lisa Smile, Chicago, A Midsummer Night's Dream, and, of course, Spice World) and David Wenham plays Dilios, the narrator of the film (Van Helsing, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, Dark City)

Plot:
It is the story of the Battle of Thermopylae retold by Frank Miller in the comic book "300." The plot of the movie, doesn't fallow the original Greek myth, but is more true to the comic book, and is good no-the-less. So, the entire Persian army led by Xerxes, the god-king himself, comes after the city of Sparta after conquering the rest of Greece. All Spartan boys, once they reach a certain age, must, under Spartan law, go off to a special school to teach them to be the best warriors the world has ever seen. This is partly why Sparta stands proudly against the Persians, and also why they rock their world when only 300 hundred of them stand betweenXerxes' army and Sparta. The reason why only 300 men fight is because of the corruption with the very men the Spartans trust to tell them what the gods want them to do. They let their greed get the better of them, and tell the Spartans not to raise arms and let the Persians take over. So, King Leonidas takes 300 men "out for a walk" in the direction of the only way to get to Sparta, a small valley where they let the Persians trickle through and take on wave after wave, killing tens of thousands.

Moral teaching:
To stand up to those who oppose you, especially if they endanger your freedom. Also, that those who are truly evil will get what's coming to them.

Content:
"some" sexuality and nudity is, to me, an understatement. For a rated R movie, I've seen worse (though I wish I haven't) but it was still pretty bad. Lets break it down. There is a love scene between the king and queen towards the beginning of the movie, a lustrous weird, writhing adolescent who is naked who is supposedly talking to the gods. Also, later on, again, very weird nakedness in Xerxes harem. Also, a ton of guy thigh, thongs, blood, gore, violence, death, dead body mutilation, uh... just lots of killing in general.

Rollerskates:
5 Rollerskates out of 5 for film quality. Almost the entire movie was filmed in three small sound stages in Montreal, Canada in front of a blue screen. But you can't freekin' tell, the visual effects were that good. Seriously, the quality of this film is unlike any other action film I've seen since The Matrix. And honestly, 300 took what Matrix did for action films, and perfected it, doing it ten times better. HOWEVER, I can not, in good conscience recommend this movie. I give it 4 out of 5 for offensive content. (Especially do not see this movie if you struggle with a sexual addiction).

Blades of Glory

Rating:
Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual humor, language, a comic violent image and some drug references.

Who's in it:
I just saw Blades of Glory and, honestly, not that impressed. It was funny don't get me wrong. It was good to see Jon Heder, (Napoleon Dynamite) Will Ferrell (duh) Will Arnet (Arrested Development, Let's go to Prison) and Amy Poehler (Saturday Night Live) and Jenna Fischer (The Office) in a movie together. All were good and funny. Also, Luke Wilson has a good cameo as a Christian sex addict counselor.


Plot:
But, seriously, it wasn't as good as I was hoping. The whole basis for the comedy in the movie was making the audience uncomfortable with the two leads (Header and Ferrell) being way too close to each other while skating. It makes "sense" in the movie because of the plot, which is both Header and Ferrell were banned from Olympic competition skating, but through a loop hole they both agree to skate together in a different division: pairs. The reason this wasn't such a good thing, in my opinion, was simply making fun of gays. Not them specifically, but in somewhat of a round about way.

Content:
Also, I was disappointed with the amount of sexual content. There was a scene in which Will Ferrell, who not only plays a professional skater, but also a sex addict, grabs Jenna Fischer's breasts for a prolonged period. The movie does make a point in addressing his struggle and at the end he realizes this fault, but I also think "they" (the writers and others who made the movie) make fun of addictions to sex a bit too much.

Moral teaching:
As far as any point or moral to this movie goes, I guess I would have to say that sometimes your biggest enemy can be your strongest friend if you get over your B.S. But, honestly, I think this movie was just a reason to see Jon Header and Will Ferrell in spandex with their faces close to each other's crotches.

Rollerskates:
I'll give Blades of Glory 3.5 Rolleskates out of 5 for movie quality, and 2 out of 5 for offensive content. I'd say this is a rental if you're a hard core Ferrell fan.